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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Found in the online version of Maxim Magazine. I stopped my suscription a long time ago due to photoshop issues (it's not ok to manipulate girls' breasts and erase their nipples), but every once in a while they make me laugh with articles like this one.

From First To Worst

Six women share their traumatic stories of deflowering dudes.

Maxim Online, Dec 2005 By Carly Milne

Everyone remembers their firsts—their first kiss, their first love, their first Philly cheesesteak—but all pale in comparison to the holy grail of losing your virginity. Men tend to remember it as a paragon of masculinity and carnal skill, but do women? Not always—especially when they're the deflowerer.

The Crier

While most guys are joyous over losing their V card, the one that Merideth inducted into the club left her confused. "To me it wasn't really any big deal, because I'd had a boyfriend before him that I'd lost mine to," she says. "But when Josh and I started going out and he told me he wanted me to be his first, I had no idea what I was in for. The sex was fine, but when it was over he started to cry. And I don't mean a couple tears of joy, I mean outright sobbing like I'd run over his dog or something. I couldn't tell if he was happy or sad, and I never found out—he and I stopped seeing each other after that."

The Jackrabbit

The need for speed is hot…as long as it's kept out of the bedroom. Says Rayanne, "I thought he was going to be pretty good, because he'd assured me he'd been doing his research thanks to porn movies. When we got down to it, he pounded me like a jackhammer non-stop. And it hurt. I asked him to slow down, but he was afraid he'd lose wood if he did, so he throttled me until he was done and I was bruised. Luckily it was only for about 15 or 20 minutes." The Premature EjaculatorRacing to the finish line is great if you're running the New York Marathon, but when it comes to sex? Bad idea. Just ask Kelly. "I knew he was excited, especially because he knew I was a bit more experienced than he was," she says. "But man, he lasted 30 seconds, tops. Literally he pushed in and it was over. He spent more time apologizing to me—which was super annoying—than he did boinking me. Like, I get it—you're embarrassed. You're not the first it's happened to, so let's get it hard again and try a second time, for crying out loud! Instead, I had to listen to an 'I'm sorry' soliloquy."

The Everlast

But on the flipside, there's always the guy who just can't get there—and Viagra isn't to blame. "Oh my God, it was bar none the most traumatizing experience of my life," Angie sighs. "He just kept going and going and going, and he refused to stop—even when I said it was painful, even when I was dry, even when I stopped faking that it was good, which it was for the first while, but about 45 minutes in I just wanted to encourage him to finish. He was on me for at least an hour and a half—I think I lost consciousness at one point. My one tiny revenge was he was raw for a week afterward."

The Sleeper

A word to the wise: while sexual activities can drain your energy, it's poor etiquette to allow that to affect your partner's comfort. Case in point: "I'm a tiny girl—like, 5'2"—and my boyfriend was this hulking football-player type," says Denise. "So the first time we did it he was on top. The second he was done, he fell asleep. And I don't mean he rolled off me and fell asleep; I mean he fell asleep on top of me. I couldn't move him and he wouldn't wake up, so I just had to lie there and pray I didn't get crushed to death. Next time, I was on top."

The Stalker

It's not just girls who equate sex with love—sometimes guys do it too, and sometimes girls are as creeped out by it as you are. "I met this guy at a party during college," says Ellen. "We hit it off, I was in the mood, so we got it on…and it wasn't until after that he told me that he was a virgin. The actual sex was OK, but afterward—like, immediately afterward—he confessed that I was his first and started making plans for us to get married, have a family together, and started debating how he was going to tell his parents. Somehow I extracted myself from him and rushed home, but he staked out my classes, followed me around and called me non-stop for nearly a month until I had a much larger male friend tell him to go away."


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